Enter: Square One

I suppose the whole reason I started a blog was because of a recent change in my life. After nearly 2 years of being in a relationship, I found myself staring at my facebook settings page with my cursor scrolling down to "single." As idiodic as it sounds, it took me a couple of deep breaths and some words of wisdom for me to click "save." I was, once again, back at square one wondering where the hell it went wrong. This was the second relationship I had been in where at a certain point I was certain he was "the one." And yet, here I am again, knowing he wasn't the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

People say that when you find the right person, "you just know." I'm not so sure I buy that anymore. With two different men, I had this feeling right from the beginning that they were the ones I wanted to be with and, obviously, both relationships ended up in the crapper. Interestingly enough, both of these relationships ended around the 2 year mark. The analyst in me wonders if I have some sort of deep underlying commitment issues that force me to subconsciously sabotage the relationship. The realist in me wants to believe that I'm just an average 20-something riding the relationship roller coaster and that I just honestly haven't had very good luck yet in my relationships.

It's not that my ultimate goal in life is to be Sally Housewife and find the man of my dreams and have lots of sex and babies, but almost every woman I know has created a mental timeline for themselves and it's pretty standard that 1)getting married and 2) having kids fits in somewhere. As a teenager I was hoping to have at least met the man that I was going to spend my life with by this point in my life. Well, I'm two months away from my 24th birthday and I just broke up with the guy i thought was "the one." Enter square one.

The point is, I feel like I can't trust my feelings anymore because they have steered me wrong in the past. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I force myself to feel like each guy I date is "the one" because I'm afraid I won't find him. I guess the real challenge here is to figure out where my true feelings lie-what my actual gut says and being able to differentiate those feelings from the "fake" ones.

I'm not worried, I'm just impatient, I suppose.